Valley of Burnout

I WILL get through this

So what happened? Well I guess this has been coming for a while. And even in some blog entries in August/September ’04 you can see some signs – like the one about the loss of work ethic, the dream about Darth Vader & Luke Skywalker etc. There were a number of contributing factors but basically I lost my passion and my sense of calling which previously had been so strong. A job that I described as the best in the world, I now hated and was dragging me down. I couldn’t keep going, there was no joy in anything, it was like I was wading through treacle, constantly struggling uphill and I felt I had no future to look forward to.

Five years ago I was on a drug called Roaccutane to treat severe acne. I was one of the unfortunate 5% or so who suffer depression as a side-effect. That was a hellish time. But I got through it and came out the other side firing on all pistons, full of fresh passion and zeal. God used it and I was actually thankful for the experience because I could testify to His faithfulness. (Actually that’s a whole other story, I should probably record that one properly sometime.) That time became a kind of bench-mark – whenever I was feeling low or going through a rough patch, I would look back and think, "well it’s not as bad as that". It hit me the other day that what I’m going through now does feel as bad as that. That’s scary because I don’t have a drug to blame.

So what now? Time to rebuild, to heal. I’m not exactly sure how, but I guess I’ve to time to figure it out. They say time is a healer. But I get so impatient, wondering when things are going to start changing for the better rather than this downward spiral. A lesson I need to learn is how to ‘be’ rather than trying to ‘earn my stripes’ by ‘doing’ all the time.

On Friday night I wrote this down because I was feeling really low and feeling as if I was about to be overwhelmed:

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS! I WILL COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE! I WILL MAKE IT! God is still with me, He’s still here, He hasn’t left. I’m not quitting, I’m not giving up. I’m going to hang on. Because God is going to come through, this isn’t the end of the story. There is more to come. And the best is yet to come. There is a reason for what’ s happening, this is not meaningless, this is not a waste. I’m going to make it. I’ll be back! I will get through this. I must hang on, for dear life. But Jesus has promised me life in all its fullness. Yes there’s ups and downs. But he’s with me. He has never let me down yet. I’ve often thought it (I’m sorry God), but actually He’s never let me down. I won’t let this beat me. I’m not going to go down. All I can do is hang on. God’s at work so I’ve just got to let Him get on with it. Take one day at a time. God has been faithful to me in the past and he will be faithful to me now. God you are the best, truly you are and I know it deep down, I’ve got a lot to sort out but I know you’re here and you’re with me. The black hole won’t last forever. God you’re bigger than this. God please be in this. I know I can trust you, that’s who you are – a God who can be trusted even if I’m wick at trusting, you are completely trustworthy, I know it’s true. Please come through.
God I’m yours
Let the Kingdom come
Whatever it takes…
Your will not mine
I’m yours, no-one else’s
I will get through this!

This has kind of become a rallying cry. The past few nights I read it to myself before I go to bed to gee myself up and convince myself that I have a future…that I can dare to hope again. There is a cross, but there’s also a resurrection…

posted by Debs Erwin @ 13:42