Valley of Burnout

Endorphins, baths and in-between times

Went to a circuit training class last night for the first time in ages. Usually I can’t go to fitness classes because I work evenings or I have to study, but things have changed and I’ve kind of got time on my hands. Fitness-wise I’ve just been swimming and walking recently. These days I’m trying to do something active most days in the week – hopefully generating some happy hormones. I guess getting more exercise is one advantage of being off like this. Anyway when I got back from circuits I was pretty sore so had a bath – my first in well over a year (fear not I shower more often than that) and my first bath in my own house. It was very pleasant to just soak and made me feel a lot calmer than I had earlier in the day.

The future scares the heck out of me at the moment. It seems blank…and grey. Do I have a future? What picture do I fit into, if any? Yesterday evening I called in with a friend to just catch up on what’s been happening in Dungannon. 24-7 prayer is happening all this week organised by a close friend of mine and it had been something I was looking forward to. There’s a lot of significant stuff happening in Dungannon, has been for a while. Plans for a 24-7 boiler room are beginning to firm up. It’s all stuff I would so love to be a part of. Dungannon has been on my heart for so long. But now I don’t know where I fit in, I don’t feel as if I have a part in what God is doing here. Looking back it seems like God has been preparing the way for me to be out of the picture – other people are ready to take the slack. Even when ideas about the boiler room were being mooted, even then I didn’t know where my place was in it. I was all for it, totally ready to do whatever was needed. But I guess by that stage my vision and passion had died. So does that mean it’s time for me to go? What if I have to move and leave all that I hold dear here? The thought of that just kills me. I can’t understand what God is doing. And yeah, I know, that’s where walking by faith not by sight comes in - please, spare me the preach, I’m beyond that.

I think I have a wee glimpse into what the disciples felt like the day after he was crucified. I bet that was the longest Saturday of their lives. I’m sure they were wondering what the heck was going on and felt like all hope had been sucked out of their lives. In July one of the things God spoke to me about on holiday was the fact that when there’s a cross, there’s a resurrection. So I guess I have to trust that one day this valley of darkness will come to an end and a new day will dawn. I suppose I have an advantage over the disciples – they had forgotten Jesus’ predictions about rising in 3 days so they didn't realise the ‘in-between’ time they were in would come to an end. But I’m so friggin’ frustrated with how long this could take. It just seems like such a long valley, this could be a long process. I feel like God wants and needs to teach me a lot of stuff and I feel like a lot of healing needs to take place. But how/when is all that going to happen? I so wish I could make it happen, and hurry it along, but I can’t. I just want to feel alive again.

posted by Debs Erwin @ 14:31