Valley of Burnout

Limbo-land

Over the past few days I’ve been feeling a lot less uptight than I was and wee bit more relaxed about things. I’m not just as ready to tear my hair out as I was and I don’t feel like I’m going to go completely out of my mind….always a good thing! I met up with a friend for lunch last Friday which was good and helped me to feel a sense of ‘normality’. Then on Saturday night my parents had myself and some of the family round for dinner – 8 of us at the table. But I think it was more people than I could handle and I just wanted to retreat back into my shell so I kind of went back a step but I think on the whole, I'm moving forwards.

I have to say that living a life of leisure as I have been over the past few weeks – reading, watching TV, doing more fitness training etc is no major hardship. But I still feel as if I’m in a strange place of numbness. I guess it’s just going to take time, it’s going to be a gradual thing – I’m not going to be suddenly better overnight. It’s weird though because I keep putting myself on guilt trips and I get paranoid that maybe I'll get sent straight back to work because I'm enjoying myself too much and need to earn my fun! I think I’m the world’s worst (best?) worrier – I’d find something to worry about even if I didn’t have something to worry about!

Today I picked up the Bible for the first time in ages. I’ve read snippets from Psalms/Job/Jeremiah randomly over the past few weeks but always holding God at arm’s length – he’d been speaking to me loads in August/September but sometimes it was just too painful to hear and kind of cut too close to the quick. But I still love God with all my heart and I don’t want to miss anything that he has for me. I still want him to have his way in my life. I think I’m becoming a little, just a little, more acquainted with the ‘way of the cross’. My Bible-notes today were reflecting on Matthew 26:14-30 where Judas does his dirty deal with the chief priests and make the comment that "if we want to go forward on our journey with Jesus, we cannot turn away from the cross as Judas did. It is part of the mystery of God that the way to him lies in self-denial. Only then can we be fully free to experience all the wonderful things has for us." I might be in a kind of limbo-land but I’m still on the ‘journey’, and even though the path involves suffering and hardship (although I recognise that I don’t hold the monopoly on hard times and it’s nothing compared to what many people are suffering in the world), the path leads to God. I don’t exactly know what I’ll find on this path, it’s definitely a mystery but ultimately it’s God I want so I’ll keep walking down this road.

posted by Debs Erwin @ 20:29