Valley of Burnout

Calmin' my jets

Well, I’m still here! More and more I realise how much time this is going to take…and that’s ok. I’ve been trying to write down my worries and fears and it’s unbelievable how many there are. I get scared that I won’t figure things out properly and miss what it is that God is wanting to teach me during this time off. I get scared that I’ll think I’m ‘better’ before I actually am, then end up worse. I get scared of moving 2 steps forward only to move 3 steps backward again. I get scared that maybe this whole Christianity thing is a hoax and maybe ‘good’ won’t ultimately overcome ‘evil’. Or even if it is true and that evil gets obliterated, that heaven is like the ending of a bittersweet film where we’re all so battered and bruised by the Tribulation and just feel wrecked and broken-hearted instead of renewed (and yet that is not biblical seeing as there will be no tears in heaven!). And even going to Tesco’s is still a bit scary – I skulk round the aisles in case I get spotted by someone I know! I get so scared of my space being encroached upon by other people. So I have to keep telling myself, almost literally, to calm my jets and take it easy, there’s no panic, there’s no rush, I will get better and it doesn’t matter when, I can take my time.

Heart Surgery
In a lot of ways I’m actually quite thankful for having ‘fallen apart’ like this. It’s giving me the chance to deal with some things head on instead of sweeping them under the carpet. I know that God is using this time although sometimes I do still get frustrated with his methods! The big thing is that I’m learning to realise that who I am is not about the sense of worth I find in my job and how much/hard I work. Back in the May/June I felt like God was challenging me to find out who Debs Erwin was, not Debs Erwin the Youth Worker, just Debs Erwin. And that really freaked me out. But that’s exactly what he’s doing. Sounds crazy for someone who’s been a Christian for 17 years to be re-learning these kind of things but there you go. The radical fact is that I am ‘someone’ to God. I always felt that if I was in the middle of a crowd and God was there, he wouldn’t even notice me. And I wouldn’t have the courage to make eye contact with him because I’d be so scared he wouldn’t be interested, but at the same time I’d be desperate for him to look my way. But actually he has spotted me because I was chosen by him before he even created the world (Eph. 1:4)! Another thing I’ve begun to grasp a wee bit better is how amazing it is that God created me. I guess it’s something that can be very easily accepted if you take a Christian perspective of creation, but we can get a bit blasé to it. The thing is that my existence didn’t just come about because of God’s creation of the human race and an ingenious system of reproduction along with 9 months in my mother’s womb – it was actually a ‘God thing’ when I was created!

The Perks
Being off on stress hasn’t been all bad, it’s not like it’s constant drudgery, weeping and wailing etc, as there are a number of things that I have been enjoying in recent times…
Reading – Harry Potters (controversial I know, but really they are brilliant!), Arthur Ransome’s (Swallows & Amazons forever!), Ellen MacArthur’s ‘Taking on the World’ – what a woman! ‘The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time’ by Mark Haddon is also a great read, a wee bit sad but so well done. Currently I'm in the middle of "The Brethren" by John Grisham and 'Strange Places, Questionable People' by John Simpson.
TV – I’ve never watched so much TV in my life. Am addicted to 'Spooks', 'Without a Trace', 'the West Wing'. Have even got into ‘I’m a celebrity’ a wee bit. Then of course there’s ‘Today with Des and Mel’ – undoubtedly the King & Queen of daytime TV. I also seem to have become an avid viewer of random documentaries. Got into the series following people given a variety of physical challenges e.g. the boxer who got 6 months to become a team-member of a transatlantic sailing record attempt, and the rugby player who had a couple of months to train for a race to the north Pole – exhilarating stuff! Oh yes and I really enjoyed C4’s ‘Musicality’ – the final episode was really uplifting. Even ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ is rather entertaining!
BBC Radio 1 - have come to appreciate even Chris Moyles, Jo Wiley's great and Colin & Edith are just the best! They all help keep me sane.
…You can’t beat the simple things in life eh?

The ‘fullness of life’ encompasses both the rough and the smooth, and I find that hard to cope with, but God’s still here, I’m in his tender loving care.

posted by Debs Erwin @ 16:56