Valley of Burnout

Fresh air

I’ve been feeling a fresh sense of freedom in the last week and it’s wonderful! Even in the simplest of things. Last Friday afternoon after work I headed out to Peatlands for a long walk and it was just gorgeous. It was so good to feel the warmth of sunshine on my face, hear the birds twittering in the trees, spot the odd wee dragonfly buzzing around, see the beauty of the landscape and the trees in all their green glory. And I can’t express just how blissful it was to have the space and time to go for the walk, to set aside the to-do list, to deliberately take time to recharge the batteries (not of course that I have a huge to-do list these days – in itself blissful living!). I feel like I’m really beginning to experience the healing God intends for me. And actually a radical thought occurred to me the other day: I don’t want to be the bionic woman anymore! And I don’t want to do everything now! I know I’ll get nowhere with those kinds of ambitions. I think I’m getting a better grasp that the ultimate ambition we can have in life is to attain the fullness of knowing God and His love. And actually that’s all I want now, I just want to be faithful, to know God more, to be his child.

I went along to the Global Day of Prayer at Stormont yesterday with my Mum – it was so good, a significant day! And for the first time since before I became ill I could join in praising God with others with my whole heart which might not sound like much to others but to me shows a lot of progress. I realise more and more how I just can’t live without Jesus and I don’t want to even try to live without him. In fact it would be my worst nightmare to be without him, I don’t want to lose Him. It’s not out of guilt as sometimes it used to be, but it’s more out of love. God has done some pretty major heart-surgery on me over the last number of months and boy it’s been painful, but it’s been worth it! It feels like I belong to God more than I ever did. I’m well and truly God’s girl and there’s no other place I’d rather be. I’m blessed indeed. I think I’m beginning to grasp that phrase of Philip Yancey’s that there’s nothing I can do to make God love me any less or to love me any more. It’s like I’m beginning to get a more correct view of myself in the eyes of God. I don’t have to try and impress him or prove myself to him or others, I don’t need to get affirmation all the time because God accepts me as I am. None of this means that I can walk around with a big head on me! I recently read a great line which helps to keep you grounded: "You are never as good as people tell you, nor as bad as people tell you." And it’s true!

It’s still a wee bit scary – I’m scared of the bubble bursting, of my foundations giving way beneath me, especially once I get into full-time work or if I go back into some kind of ministry. I really need to put into practice the things I’ve learnt over the past year, to set parameters in place so that I don’t burn out again. And I guess the test of that will only come when I’m put under pressure again. But we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. I still don’t know what the heck is ahead, but for the moment I’m content to take things as they come, enjoy the moment and breathe in the fresh air deeply. God is my strength – "He alone is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I shall never be shaken." (Psalm 62:2)

posted by Debs Erwin @ 23:23