Valley of Burnout

Delirious moments (in more ways than one)

Well, over a week ago I was feeling exhilarated by the ‘view’ of how far I’d come. Then last week was just a really crappy one and all I could see was how long a way I have still to go. I got turned down by Costcutters & by Spar, so obviously having a degree does not go in your favour. I haven’t completely run out of options yet but it’s still kind of annoying. I got double-glazing put in and new doors fitted which is a good thing, because it increases the value of my house and looks well. But I’m not very good at living in chaos so the dust everywhere was doing my head in. (Plus signing the cheque nearly gave me a hernia!) At the weekend I was at a party and just felt at a complete loss, just could not handle being in a group situation and felt a total loss of confidence. Then to top it all off I took the flu on Sunday. All night I sweated and shivered something serious and ended up in some kind of dreaming delirium. Had been watching Ray Mears on Sunday evening so I was desperately trying to sort out lianas all night. Feel a lot better today but still kind of wiped out. Kind of frustrating though because I need to get my butt into gear with getting things round the house sorted out but I’ve no energy for it. But hey hopefully next week will tell a different story.

On Friday night I came across these verses and basically they’ve been the only thing keeping me going…
"Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
He will call upon me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honour him.
With long life will I satisfy him
and show him my salvation."
Psalm 91:13-14

In this case the ‘him’ is me, a female. I’m glad of that.

Last week I was just feeling like there is no future for me and just realising afresh how much I’m going to miss being part of YFC. I really hate leaving and I really hate going out on a low. I didn’t intend for it to happen this way. It’s pants. I feel like I’m walking out with my tail between my legs. I feel redundant.

But that’s the devil’s talk.

I got a wee kick up the backside last night in my Bible-notes which went like this…
"Like looking up at a beautiful mountain range, it is both daunting and exciting to look to God for his plans for you. But don’t despise the routine of the moment, because it may be that you are being invisibly prepared for a greater work that he has in store for you. Be expectant and look out for surprises!" (Closer to God Jan-March ’05)

I guess I’m still reserving judgement, kind of a ‘wait-and-see’ attitude, though maybe that’s not faith, but I guess I’ve just got to ride this out. Actually since Friday, 3 different people have said to me, that all this is for a reason, and none of us know what it is so I’ve just got to trust that God’s got it under control. I’m grateful at least that he still keeps on speaking to me despite my fickleness.

So I’ll hang on to you
Nothing in this world will see me through
Only you
And I’ll hang on to you
Everyday I live, I give to you…
(Delirious, "Hang on to you", Glo)

Right, I’m heading back to the sofa.

posted by Debs Erwin @ 17:28